Take popcorn out of the equation. What are you eating at the movie theater?
What? Nachos?!? Are you out of your mind? No, you’re getting candy. (And maybe an Icee, if you’re nasty.) Ah, but what candy? There are so many to choose from — and seemingly more all the time. Have you seen how many freeze-dried candies have popped up in the last two years? Why is every new candy freeze-dried now? Who decided candies were better without moisture? Did the big candy companies get a great deal on vacuum chambers or something?
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The last time I went to the theater, I was astounded by the sheer number of different candies they offered. Instead of a handful of varieties under glass, the entire queue for concessions was filled with row after row of boxes and bags. Chocolates, sweets, confections, sours; you can kvetch about the price of movie theater food, but you can’t complain about the range of choices (provided you enjoy highly-processed sugars).
I did a list like this eight years ago, and it is slightly mind-boggling how out of date it already is. Some options have been retired. (Fare thee well, Butterfinger Bites. May a flight of crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery angels sing thee to thy rest.) In their place sit a bevy of new selections. You can now enjoy foods that literally didn’t exist in 2016 while watching Ryan Gosling talk to a sentient rock in space. Maybe this isn’t the darkest timeline after all.
And now, pick yourself a seat, grab your favorite theater concession, and whatever you do, do not read the nutrition facts on the back while you enjoy my ranking of every movie theater candy.
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