When to Walk Away from Toxic Friends | Night 9 with the Qur’an

This series is a collaboration between Dr. Ali and MuslimMatters, bringing Quranic wisdom to the questions Muslim families are navigating.

The Loyalty Trap

Here’s the conversation happening in Muslim homes right now:

Teen: “I know my friends are bad for me. But we’ve been tight since sixth grade. What should I do?”

Parent: “Just get new friends.”

Teen: shuts down completely

The parent isn’t wrong. But they’ve completely missed why this is so hard.

Because for a teenager, walking away from a long-term friendship isn’t just losing a friend.

It’s losing:

• Shared history
• Social identity
• The people who probably saw them through their hardest moments
• The people with whom they may have shared some of their most formative memories
• Their entire sense of belonging

“Just get new friends” is about as helpful as telling someone with depression to “just be happy.”

What teens actually need: A framework for understanding when loyalty becomes self-destruction—and permission to choose themselves.

The Quran provides both.

The Story Most People Skip

Surat al-Kahf (The Cave) is famous for being read every Friday. But most people rush past its opening story without taking the time to reflect on the message that story conveys.

The Companions of the Cave weren’t just people who hid in a cave.

They were young people who walked away from everything:

• Their families
• Their friends
• Their city
• Their entire social world

Because staying meant compromising, and most likely losing, their faith.

Surat Al-Kahf, ayah 13:

نَّحْنُ نَقُصُّ عَلَيْكَ نَبَأَهُم بِٱلْحَقِّ ۚ إِنَّهُمْ فِتْيَةٌ ءَامَنُوا۟ بِرَبِّهِمْ وَزِدْنَـٰهُمْ هُدًۭى

“This is their story in truth: They were youth people who believed in their Lord, and We increased them in guidance.”

“Young people.” Not scholars. Not elders. Young people—like your teen—who made an impossibly hard decision.

And what did Allah do?

He protected them. He gave them comfort. He made their story a lesson for all of humanity until the Day of Judgment.

They chose Allah over comfort. And Allah chose them.

The Key Ayah Parents Need to Know

Surat Al-Kahf, ayah 28:

وَٱصْبِرْ نَفْسَكَ مَعَ ٱلَّذِينَ يَدْعُونَ رَبَّهُم بِٱلْغَدَوٰةِ وَٱلْعَشِىِّ يُرِيدُونَ وَجْهَهُۥ ۖ وَلَا تَعْدُ عَيْنَاكَ عَنْهُمْ تُرِيدُ زِينَةَ ٱلْحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا ۖ وَلَا تُطِعْ مَنْ أَغْفَلْنَا قَلْبَهُۥ عَن ذِكْرِنَا وَٱتَّبَعَ هَوَىٰهُ وَكَانَ أَمْرُهُۥ فُرُطًۭا

“Stay patient in the company of those who call upon their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Face. Don’t look beyond them, desiring the luxuries of this worldly life. And do not obey those whose hearts are heedless of Our remembrance, who follow only their desires, and who are in total loss.”

This ayah is a direct command—not a suggestion:

1. Be patient with righteous people – even if they’re less exciting, less popular, less fun
2. Don’t be dazzled by worldly appeal – the cool friend group isn’t worth your deen
3. Do not obey those heedless of Allah – even if they’re charismatic, loyal, or longstanding friends

If your teen has friends pulling them away from Allah—this ayah is speaking directly to their situation.

The Prophetic Warning

The Prophet ﷺ said:

الْمَرْءُ عَلَى دِينِ خَلِيلِهِ فَلْيَنْظُرْ أَحَدُكُمْ مَنْ يُخَالِلُ

“A person is on the religion of their close friend, so let each of you look to whom they take as a close friend.” (Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi)

And:

“The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like a perfume seller and a blacksmith. The perfume seller might give you some perfume or you might buy from him, or at the very least you will enjoy a good smell. The blacksmith, however, might burn your clothes, or at the very least you will be exposed to smoke.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

The blacksmith analogy is critical:

The blacksmith isn’t trying to burn your clothes. They’re not a bad person. They’re just doing what blacksmiths do.

But you still leave with burns to your clothes and smelling like smoke.

Your teen’s friends don’t have to be malicious to be harmful.

They just have to be consistently pulling in the wrong direction.

Warning Signs: When Friendship Becomes Toxic

For Parents—Watch For:

1. Gradual prayer abandonment: They used to pray. Now they don’t. When did it start? Who did they start spending more time with around that time?
2. Increasing secrecy: Hiding their phone. Vague about where they’re going. Defensive about who they’re spending time with.
3. Personality shift: The teen you knew—their humor, their values, their interests—is disappearing. They’re becoming someone else.
4. Pulling away from Islamic activities: Used to come to the masjid, halaqa, youth group. Now makes excuses every time.
5. Defending friends no matter what: Even when their friends’ behavior is clearly wrong, your teen defends it aggressively. This often signals that loyalty has become identity.
6. “You just don’t like my friends”: When you raise concerns, they accuse you of being judgmental. This deflects from the actual issue.

For Teens: The Four Questions

Before deciding whether to walk away from a friendship, honestly answer:

1. Am I a better Muslim when I’m with them, or worse? Not “are they Muslim?” but “do I pray more or less when I’m around them?” “Do I make good choices when I am around them?”
2. Do I compromise my values to keep this friendship? If maintaining the friendship requires hiding your Islam, skipping prayers, or participating in haram—that’s your answer.
3. Do they respect my boundaries, or constantly push against them? Real friends—Muslim or not—respect your values even when they don’t share them. Toxic friends mock, pressure, and manipulate.
4. Would I be proud to stand before Allah with this friendship on my record? Not “would I be embarrassed?” but “would I be ashamed?” If you’d be ashamed, you already know.

Never forget this story from the Quran, from Surat as-Saafaat [37: 51-57]:

قَالَ قَآئِلٌ مِّنْهُمْ إِنِّى كَانَ لِى قَرِينٌ

“One of them will say: ‘I had a companion.”

يَقُولُ أَءِنَّكَ لَمِنَ الْمُصَدِّقِينَ

“Who used to say, ‘Are you one of those who believe?”

أَءِذَا مِتْنَا وَكُنَّا تُرَاباً وَعِظَـماً أَءِنَّا لَمَدِينُونَ

“(Like) That when we die and become dust and bones, that we will be indebted.” (Ibn ‘Abbas, may Allah be pleased with them both, said (that this means), “Rewarded or punished according to our deeds.”)

قَالَ هَلْ أَنتُمْ مُّطَّلِعُونَ

“He then said, ‘Will you look down’” (meaning, the believer will say this to his companions among the people of Paradise.)

فَاطَّلَعَ فَرَءَاهُ فِى سَوَآءِ الْجَحِيمِ

“So, he looked down and saw him in the midst of the Hell-Fire.”

قَالَ تَاللَّهِ إِن كِدتَّ لَتُرْدِينِ

“He said, ‘I swear by Allah! You nearly ruined me.” (The believer will say, addressing his former friend, “By Allah, you nearly caused me to be doomed, if I had obeyed you.”)

وَلَوْلاَ نِعْمَةُ رَبِّى لَكُنتُ مِنَ الْمُحْضَرِينَ

“Had it not been for the grace of my Lord, I would certainly have been among those in Hell.”

Your decision can have some serious consequences. That’s why this is so important.

Why “Just Get New Friends” Doesn’t Work

Parents often make this mistake: Identifying the problem (toxic friends) without addressing the solution (where do better friends come from?).

Telling a teen to leave a friend group without providing an alternative leaves them:

• Isolated
• Resentful
• Likely to return to the toxic group out of loneliness

The Companions of the Cave didn’t just walk away from their society. They walked away together.

They had each other.

Before encouraging your teen to walk away, ask:

• Is there a Muslim youth group they can connect with?
• Is there an MSA at their school or nearby university?
• Is there a halaqah, Quran class, or Islamic program where they could meet peers?
• Are there Muslim families in our community with teens the same age?
• If you are far from the jamaa’ah, I often tell parents that this means that they might have to sacrifice. Yes, maybe where you live now you have a great job, but you should seriously consider moving to a place where your children’s deen is protected. This is the concept of hijrah, which can include another city in the same country, not just another country.

The exit from toxic friendships must have a destination.

The “Just Say No” Problem

Here’s what most Islamic advice gets wrong about toxic friendships:

It tells teens to “be strong” and “resist temptation” without addressing the environment.

But the Prophet ﷺ didn’t just tell the early Muslims to “be strong” in Mecca.

He commanded hijrah—a physical departure from a toxic environment.

Environment matters more than willpower.

If your teen is the only practicing Muslim in their friend group, they’re swimming upstream every single day.

They can be strong. But eventually, they’ll be exhausted.

The goal isn’t resilience alone. It’s strategic community building that builds true resilience.

Your teen needs a tribe that pulls together in the same direction they’re trying to go.

The Hardest Part: The Aftermath

Walking away from toxic friends is hard. What comes after is harder.

The loneliness phase: For weeks—sometimes months—your teen may feel completely alone.

This is the most dangerous window. Because the old friends will reach out. And the emptiness will make those messages feel irresistible.

What parents can do during this phase:

1. Don’t say “I told you so” – Even if you were right, this closes the door
2. Increase family connection – Be more present, more fun, more engaged
3. Actively help build new connections – Don’t just say “find better friends”—make introductions, create opportunities
4. Validate the grief – “I know this is really hard. Losing friends hurts even when it’s the right decision.”
5. Point to the story of Ashab al-Kahf – Allah gave them something better. He will for your teen too.

As the Prophet ﷺ guarantees for us:

“For sure, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah, except that Allah will replace it with something better for you.” (Ahmad—authenticated by al-Arna’oot)

A Note on Gradual vs. Clean Breaks

Not every toxic friendship requires a dramatic exit.

Sometimes:

• Gradual distancing is safer (especially if the friendship has volatile elements)
• Redefining the relationship works (staying connected, but changing the dynamic)
• A direct conversation is appropriate (especially for longstanding friendships and especially if that friend is also Muslim—don’t abandon them to sin, support them to make better choices)

When a clean break is necessary:

• The friend is pressuring toward serious haram
• Your teen feels unsafe saying no
• Every contact pulls them back in

When gradual distancing is better:

• There’s history worth honoring
• The friendship has potential to improve
• A sudden exit would be dramatic or unsafe

Help your teen think through which approach fits their specific situation.

Discussion Questions for Families

For Teens:

1. Is there a friendship in your life right now that you know is pulling you away from Allah? What’s stopping you from creating distance?
2. If you walked away from this friendship, what would you actually lose? And what might you gain?
3. Where could you find Muslim peers who share your values?

For Parents:

1. Do you know your teen’s friends? Have you met them?
2. Have you noticed any of the warning signs listed above? What’s your next step?
3. Are you helping your teen build Muslim friendships, or just criticizing their current ones?

For Discussion Together:

1. The Companions of the Cave walked away from everything to protect their faith. What would that kind of courage look like for our family?
2. How can we create opportunities to connect with other Muslim families and teens?
3. What would it look like for our home to be a place where good friendships are built and sustained?

The Challenge

For Parents: This week, make one concrete effort to connect your teen with practicing Muslim peers. Invite a practicing Muslim family over. Take your teen to a youth program. Make the introduction you’ve been meaning to make.

For Teens: Identify one friendship that you know is pulling you away from Allah. You don’t have to end it today. But be honest with yourself about what it’s costing you—and start thinking about what a healthier alternative could look like.

Remember: The Companions of the Cave didn’t just run away from something. They ran toward Allah.

That’s the model.

Continue the Journey

This is Night 9 of Dr. Ali’s 30-part Ramadan series, “30 Nights with the Quran: Stories for the Seeking Soul.”

Tomorrow, insha Allah: Night 10 – “Crushes, Attraction & Halal Feelings” (the topic nobody talks about, but everyone is thinking about)

For daily extended reflections with journaling prompts, personal stories, and deeper resources, join Dr. Ali’s email community:

Related:

What Islam Actually Says About NonMuslim Friends | Night 8 with the Qur’an

30 Nights with the Qur’an: A Ramadan Series for Muslim Teens